My legal team said I couldn’t run for a third term. So I changed my name to Donald J. Dump and fired everyone who disagreed.
This website was built by Barron’s weird friend who “knows HTML.” He also installed Minecraft mods. Now he’s my CTO.
I once pumped and dumped $TRUMP and $MELANIA in the same afternoon. It was my finest hour. We made out like bandits.
The market cried. Melania didn’t speak to me for a week. I called it a win-win.
So I adopted my greatest achievement as my family name.
That's freedom, America. Watch and learn.
In the dream, I was unveiling Mount Rushmore 2 — it was just four versions of my face: Smiling Dump, Angry Dump, Wet Dump, and One Wearing Sunglasses. The crowd sobbed. A turkey landed on my shoulder and said, “It’s time.”
I woke up, sweaty and inspired. “Dump,” I whispered. “I have to go again.”
Melania just said “gross” and rolled over like she normally does.
Whatever. I'm doing this.
That’s my wife, Melania. Standing next to me.
The fake news says she’s “creating distance.” I say she’s giving me space to shine. Very respectful. Very European.
Some couples hold hands. We hold silence. That’s love, folks.
I love this one. This is J.D. after I just chastised him for acting like a big baby, by begging “pwease” on national television — total meltdown.
You should’ve seen Zelenskyy. Even he was confused.
Now there’s a coin. “Pwease Coin.”
All because J.D. couldn’t stand up straight. Unbelievable.
$30 billion worth of $TRUMP vanished in 30 minutes. Coincidence? No. It was me.
They said, “don’t touch the market”. Morons.
I double-fisted the market with zero warning. Every single one of my Wall Street buddies love me all the more for it.
Let's “Make Crypto Dump Again”, America.
The Dump Administration runs on three core beliefs:
1. Everything is computer.
We don’t use pens anymore. All decisions are made by Barron's gaming laptop.
2. Elon handles it.
If something breaks, we yell "ELON!" and he appears on a screen. Nobody knows how. He fixed the coffee machine with AI and launched a toaster into orbit. Great guy. Possibly from space.
3. Never sell your Bitcoin.
That’s what the Bitcoins say. Who knows if it's true. Who the hell knows, right?
1. Legalize yelling at birds.
They look smug. I’ve said this for years. Under my administration, Americans will have the right to scream at any bird, at any time. Bald eagles are exempt. They work for me.
2. Mondays are the new Sundays.
Everyone stays inside. Streets go silent. We use Monday to reflect on how incredible the weekend was, and how much more incredible I am. Optional theme music: "Fortunate Son."
3. Appoint myself Secretary of Everything.
I don’t trust the cabinet. Half of them still use Bing. I’ll just do it all. Infrastructure, defense, fashion. That way, when something goes wrong, I already know who to blame. (Spoiler: It’s not me.)
America deserves a president with too much power and not enough boundaries.
“Elon, he’s a friend of mine – or maybe not – but we all love the rocket man, right? Tesler, Twitter, Tacos... It’s all the same and it’s all amazing.”
- Donald J. Dump